Beautiful Exchange

So much to write about, so little time.....

       So, I will go with where my heart is at in this moment! My usual routine in the morning is, time depending of course, to read my Bible, play the guitar and sing some worship songs, and then go to work. This morning, I went straight for the guitar as my heart was just wanting to sing to Jesus because at times, that is my best way to communicate to Him, through music.
   The song is Beautiful Exchange. This song is so beautiful and I have sang this many times but today, the chorus hit me hard. "When only love, could make a way, You gave Your life, in a beautiful exchange. When only love, could break these chains, You gave Your life, in a beautiful exchange."
   This song is a darker song but the bridge is "Holy are You God, Holy is Your Name, with everything I've got, my heart will sing, how I love You." and to be honest, I loved this part, but I never got it with the rest of the song until this morning.
   See, here is the thing. Yes, depression...we are on that subject again! There are some days that I have felt like giving up. Nothing can make a way through to me, nothing can break the chains that are binding me so tight......
                            but Love!
   And not just any love, some days, not even my husbands love or sons love could break through. I am talking about the capital "L" Love. Jesus is Love, God is Love, the Holy Spirit is Love. That is the ONLY Love that can break through. And that, my friends, is why God sent His only Son to die on that cross. To break through, because He was the only thing that could!
                                   Period!

             And when that gets through, all you want to do is sing "HOLY ARE YOU GOD HOLY IS YOUR NAME WITH EVERYTHING I'VE GOT MY HEART WILL SING, HOW I LOVE YOU!!"

      So, today is short but ever so sweet! Please, listen to this song and let His love penetrate through your deepest walls, break your deepest chains, and fill you with His love !

A Deeper Look into the Fog

     I wanted to try to take a deeper look today. I received some great feedback about how my analogy helped people who do not deal with depression understand and I think this is important. How many times I have heard responses from people who do not understand and 99% of the time, those responses are hurtful and not what we need. So, understanding depression is of huge importance before saying things that you feel are helpful.
   I was also given a beautiful passage that has helped a friend of mine through her depression from Psalms. So, at the end, I will share that as well!
   Fog.
     Imagine yourself waking up in the morning surrounded by suffocatingly thick, moist fog. You can not see around you, only see yourself. Even that image is greatly altered. The cold makes you want to hide in your blankets. The chill and moisture make every bone in your body ache. The scariness of stepping into the dense fog is too much to bear. So, you stay in bed, cover your head, and pray it goes away.
   The next day you wake up and realize, that humongous fog bank is still surrounding you. But something is calling you out into it. Maybe you have littles running around. Maybe you have a job you have to go to. Maybe you just want to try one time. Whatever it is, you step out into the fog.
    As you begin your day, since you really can not see, you just go through the motions. Breakfast maybe, saying goodbye to your spouse, driving your kids to school, going to work, bla bla bla.
    You don't see people, you can barely hear them. It is almost as if the fog not only blinds you or alters your perception but it is so thick, words and sounds do not penetrate through. So, you smile your best fake smile, nod, and say the polite things to get people away from you as quickly as possible.
   After making it through a day of just getting by, you finally get home where your safe spot is calling you back, but, you have to cook dinner. So, just like you have been doing for a long time, dinner is done, dishes are washed, and it is time to retreat to bed.
    This....from a person dealing with depression, this is a GOOD DAY! Seriously! Those of you who have not suffered might be in complete shock but that would be a great day for someone struggling.
    Most days, if you have to be out in the world (which is a good thing!) while you are going through the motions, you have severe anxiety. Remember, perception is altered, sounds are unclear, feelings are incredibly numbed, so just making it is all you can do. If there is a problem added to or a decision that has to be made, that is too much. That is where anxiety attacks happen. That is where you just start crying for a normal persons no apparent reason, and sadly, this is where the deep, dark roads come into play.
   Waking up in the fog day in and day out for years on end, dealing with these things, and trying to do it on your own leads to the road that should not be traveled. Ever! The road of hurting yourself, the road of taking your own life.
   This is where I think people get confused. Yes, there are cases of suicide that are just that. The person knows what they are doing and they choose. Then, there are the people with severe depression that commit suicide. Now, don't get me wrong, both are horrible and not ok but I just wanted to explain something. A person who has an altered view of themselves, a person who can not see around them, a person who feels nothing but pain and sadness, for a long time can view suicide as the only way out of this fog.
   This part is hard to write about. As a follower of Jesus, as a person who suffers with depression, I can tell you from experience, the enemy loves to encourage depressed people in the way of suicide. Many lies are heard, "No one will miss you." "You will feel so much better."  "Death is peaceful." "You will make your family happier because all you do is bring them down." "You must not love Jesus enough or be a good enough Christian if you have depression! Christians don't have depression!"
   THOSE ARE LIES!!!!
    If you have not known someone who has tried or taken their own life, then take it from me please, those are lies. You will be missed. You won't feel better! There will be no peace for you nor for those you once loved. And your family, no, they will not be happier. Suicide is such a tragic and messy way out for so many people. Not just for the person doing it.
   Christians do have depression. Read Lamentations, read Psalms, read anywhere really. Pain is part of knowing Jesus is with you. He suffered so He can comfort us. That lie is HUGE because sadly, a lot of non depressed Christians believe it and will say it to you. "You just need to read more and pray more." That is a lie! I believe Jesus felt it. He wept when Lazarus died even though He knew He would raise him. I believe He felt such sadness for his death and for the friends and family who were suffering, He was deeply hurt.
    And that is just one example. Don't believe these lies! Please!
   Yes, I have thought about suicide in the past. Yes, I have family who loves me and I know it. Yes, I have heard the lies of the enemy and believed them. No! I will not commit suicide and my only reason sometimes is Jesus! He is my only hope some days. Other days, I can see my son, I can see my husband, or I can see my dear friends and family. Other days, all I can see is pain. But, I know deep in my heart that I have Jesus. And I have to fight.
   I finally, after years of dealing with this, have realized I am OK with Jesus. He still loves me and He and I are still besties even though I suffer with depression. My walk with Him is not suffering because I have depression. He is my comfort! I need to learn how to be like Him so I can be like Him to those of my friends who also suffer. I am learning that is OK to not be all cheery all happy all the time. It is best to be real with those around you. Perfection is not something we can attain on earth that is why Jesus has been the only Man ever to be perfect. We will be perfect when we are in heaven, until then, just be real and understand, you don't have to be perfect! Another great way to help get through is to fight and make your mind change from looking at self, and asking, "How can I use this to help someone else?" Always fight! Even if fighting is just getting out of bed!
     So, if you are surrounded by fog, please, keep fighting! Cling to Jesus because He will never leave you nor forsake you! People will fail you so don't hold what they say and do as truth. Jesus will never fail you! EVER!! That does not mean He will cure you of depression, He might, but He might just want to be with you every step of the way to show you how much He loves you!
   For those who don't suffer depression. The best way to help someone is to just be there. Love them. Don't try to give them advice, even Biblical advice, just be there for them. Call them, text them, invite them to lunch, send them cards in the mail saying you love them and care about them and that they mean a lot to you. Let them know they are important to you! If you do give Scripture, really try to find scripture that deals with comfort and love.
    Here is a beautiful passage that a friend shared with me just recently.

    As the deer pants for the water brooks,

So pants my soul for You, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night,

While they continually say to me,

“Where is your God?”

 When I remember these things,

I pour out my soul within me.

For I used to go with the multitude;

I went with them to the house of God,

With the voice of joy and praise,

With a multitude that kept a pilgrim feast.

 Why are you cast down, O my soul?

And why are you disquieted within me?

Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him

For the help of His countenance.

 O my God,[d] my soul is cast down within me;

Therefore I will remember You from the land of the Jordan,

And from the heights of Hermon,

From the Hill Mizar.

 Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;

All Your waves and billows have gone over me.

The Lord will command His loving kindness in the daytime,

And in the night His song shall be with me—

A prayer to the God of my life.

 I will say to God my Rock,

“Why have You forgotten me?

Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”

 As with a breaking of my bones,

My enemies reproach me,

While they say to me all day long,

“Where is your God?”

Why are you cast down, O my soul?

And why are you disquieted within me?

Hope in God;

For I shall yet praise Him,

The help of my countenance and my God.

                                                   Psalm 42

Embrace the Fog!

    I think that we have been imprinted with the what is right by the worlds eyes. This, sadly, has manipulated our minds to thinking things a certain way and to be honest, it is untrue and it is detrimental to your health!

   As a woman, we are taught to be good wives, good moms, always have the house clean, dishes done, meals cooked, and to make it look easy and like we enjoy it 100% of the time. Add a job into there, duties outside the home, and continue looking like you have it all together all the time. 

  That stress in and of itself is impossible and unrealistic. We do not have to be put together all the time.

      Then to add in even more, what if you suffer from depression?  When you are in the midst of a deep, dark depression, it is an accomplishment to make it out of bed. To me, the depression I deal with is  like a fog bank. Some days, it is barely there and dissipates very quickly. Other days, it is not there at all. But there are days that is just is so thick, so dense, making it out of bed is a HUGE accomplishment.  But then, on top of that, I feel like I have to smile, to act all happy and healthy, to put on my "Miss America" face and let the world think I am 100% on top of it! That makes it impossible to do. It adds more stress. It adds more depression because, I can not do it!

  So all those lies begin:  You are a lousy mom! You are a lousy wife! You cant even make the bed! You cant do anything! You are worthless! 

   And that is when the word "DONE!" comes to mind.

   But that is the world. That is not of Christ!

      A few days ago, it hit me like  a ton of bricks. It is OK to not have it put together. It is OK to ask for help! It is OK to ask my loving husband to make a decision on his own. It is OK to ask my son to make himself something to eat. It is OK to cry. It is OK to hurt. It is OK to be covered in fog as long as I don't give up. God's Word overrides worldly thinking and no where in the Bible do I see where it says you have to be this, this, this, and this or rely on your own strength. It is time to embrace the fog and seek out the light!  At the end, I will give you some scripture to ponder. 

     Even the thickest fog is lifted at some point.

Sure, it comes back but it does always lighten up. Especially when the sun shines through. We need the SON! I need the Son!

   I am ever reminded of Mary and Martha. (Luke 10:38-42)  Martha as just like most of us, a put together, on top of it all, but she is one stressed out lady! Mary, she knew better. She knew what was important and she knew it was OK to not have it all done! She knew she needed the Son!  vs 41 and 42  “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things.  But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”

     I also like that in verse 40 Martha says,  "Lord, do you not care...." Isn't that so true. When our priorities  are too much or our fog bank rolls in, it is so true of us to think that no one cares. But it is just the opposite! He cares so much for us, He wants us to let it go and sit with Him. 

      It is OK to be depressed! It is OK to have a fog bank around you for days on end, just remember to let the Son in because that is what we need to see hope. And hope is what we need! I pray that this give you hope and a reminder that it is OK not to be perfect, Jesus loves us as we are! 

  I pray that you have the hope of Jesus! If you don 't please, just ask and I will share with you. I also pray  you have loving and compassionate people in your life who will help you just be you, even if that is just getting out of the bed one day and that being your accomplishment. My husband and son are those for me. I thank God for them being in my life. But even they can fail so above and beyond them, I am glad I have my Jesus as He is my hope and my life. 

   

  " God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1,

   "Seek the Lord and His strength;  Seek His face evermore!" 1 Chornicles 16:11, ( Seek the Son and don't rely on your own strength when you can use His strength!)

    " Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:  I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 11-13  

   If you have not read Philippians 4, I would encourage you to do so. It is such a great letter to get your head thinking about joyful things, true things, and about Him. 

Change

 

  Sometimes, when things end, when things change, the most beautiful things happen! 

   

   It is amazing to me how God is. When you feel too comfortable in life, He shakes it up to remind you, you need Him. When you feel like you have what you need, He reminds you,you don't. You only need Him.
  When He rattles your life, it is hard. I am going through it right now. There are days I just want to give up. There are days I want to give in and go with the flow. There are days I want to run away and hide....
  But I don't!

Why? Because my hope is in Christ and Christ alone. Psalm 39:7 "And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you."
   I had become comfortable in my serving in our church body....what happened? I had to get a job. ha ha
  So I had to give up a lot of the serving I was doing so God could show me, it is not in my works that I am saved, and I am not responsible for my church family. They need to stand on their own as well!
   The latter one was a big one for me. I felt like I had to do most of it or else it would not get done. That's me. A doer! But how can one grow if someone is doing all the work? Ephesians 4:11-12 "And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers,  for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ,"
   Then, we got comfortable with our church family and our life. Oh Lord, may we never be comfortable in anything aside from you.
  Our church is going through a change, one that the elders fully believe is Christ, and it may be. But for our family, it is not right. God is leading us a completely different direction and let me tell you, this is the hardest of all.
 The enemy knows when you are being rattled so he comes along and adds to it, only his is not a growing rattle, his is to remind you of past hurts, of lies, of deceit.
  John 10:10 "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."
  It is not a mistake that this one verse has both sides....I believe it is because when God is working in us, the devil is trying to unravel the work at the same time. If you are not strong in your walk, his job is easier.
   In these past few weeks, I have been hearing, "friends huh....what great friends you have, they all hate you now....you never truly had any." "Family...you don't know the meaning of family, neither do they. You are better off alone," "Isolation is the best place to re-coop."
"If you are not on the same page as the elders of your church, you are doomed to hell, a wretched sinner whom Christ will never forgive."

  Yes, all lies from the enemy. Firstly, the only friend I truly need is Christ and that is a work He has been doing in me a long time. I have always had a desire for a good friend. But...first, I need to let Him be my one and only friend."
  Secondly, being alone, isolating is in total opposition to the Bible. Sure, there are times when you can go and be with just Jesus, like when Jesus was in the wilderness fasting and praying. But make sure you are fasting and praying because who else was there? The devil!
Matthew 4:1-3 "Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. And when He had fasted forty days and forty nights, afterward He was hungry. Now when the tempter came to Him..."
  The last one, is the big one for me. We have prayed deeply, read the word, sought His face, and know, without a doubt, this choice is what He wants for my. We have had numerous confirmations in our decision. The enemy loves to make us second guess ourselves. That is his job, to take our eyes off of Jesus.
  So, when you are learning and growing in Christ, remember, stay in the Word, seek Christ, fast, pray, and stand-fast, because that enemy, he wants to come and destroy you!
   It is a difficult place to be and being a person who struggles with depression, that makes it that much harder but, I have Jesus right here with me. My Comforter, my Savior, my Father, my best Friend.
   Time and time again, when things change, when things are at an end, a new beginning comes, a new story, a turn of a page and I am so excited to see what is ahead for us! So, don't ever give up...just turn the page....you will see, God has an amazing book of your life that He is writing...let Him write it, let Him change things, let Him call you out to the uncomfortable! It will be worth it!

Is there hope?

             

    In light of things that are happening in the world around us, I have been doing a lot of thinking, reading, playing music, and praying. You have Isis going on in Iraq, threats against Pastor Saeed in Iran who has been in prison two years for simply being a Christian, shootings, suicides, murders, the list goes on. Then your normal every day things like finances, job loss, job gain, life, death, and that list goes on.  Is there hope in this life?
   For some there is, for others, there truly isn't. I will get back to this later...what I want to talk about is how with everything going on in the world, depression is something that needs to be addressed biblicaly! I can not believe how many stories I hear from church going people that other church going people have said such horrible things to. "You just need more of God." "You must be doing something wrong." "Get over it." How can we, followers of Jesus, say such horrible things?
   Just as bad, we don't have time! Do you see that person sitting in the pew alone, sad? Do you walk over to them to sit and just listen or do you take your kids to their class, or go do the sound booth to do your job, or etc? Life gets in the way. AND IT SHOULDN'T! (I am speaking to me, here!)
   Here are some things I have come to realize.
Some people tell you they struggle with depression, and they probably do, but...I know that most people who do struggle, who are walking through the valley of the shadow of death, they are not so open about it. Maybe because saying "I deal with depression" has become so common just like saying "I love you" has. It loses its meaning to most people.
   Or, maybe we have become so used to hearing it, we just pass it off as if it is like, "I'm ok, I'm good."
   What they are not saying is how many times they have cried themselves to sleep, how many times they have wondered why on earth God brought them here, how many times they wished they could just disappear, how many times suicide has crossed their mind. Some have hope in Jesus which could be the ONLY thing holding them in place while others have no hope at all.
      Think about it please, how easy is it to just simply respond to "How are you?" with a fake smile and "Good, and you?" Easier than sitting down to explain your struggles, easier than to require them to sit with you and ignore their children or whatever else is going on in their life, and easier than getting over the stigma "Christians" have put on depressed suicidal people.
    This is so true, fellow Christ followers have made me feel like I am a wretched sinner (which I am for other things) but because I have a darkness about me. I have felt it firsthand how sharp those words hurt and cut when said. And sadly, I have said those words myself. "Just read your Bible, Talk to God!"
   Wow!
  When did we, as Christ followers, lose sight of what God is? He is love! LOVE! Does love brush people off? Does love put everything else first before people? Did love say "NO, not gonna hang on that cross, don't have time?" Jesus, please, please help me have Your heart, a heart of love!
   It breaks my heart to think that I could have had an opportunity to sit with someone when I brushed it off. I really, truly, honestly do not want to label myself as a christian any longer, simply, a follower of Jesus. I want to show love. I want to sit down with you if you need me. I give you permission to grab me and shake me out of my focus and say, "Hey, I need someone, please, listen to me".
       I find it reassuring to know that depressed, suicidal people are in the Bible. It is ok to be a follower of Jesus and be depressed. Jesus was overfilled with grief and sorrow when Lazarus died. He knew He could raise him. He knew even if He didnt raise him, Lazarus would bein heaven for eternity, yet, Jesus was still sad and full of grief. So, if even Jesus can get sad, it is ok! It is ok!!! And, the best part about that is, He knows what we are going through and He wants to comfort us!
   So for those people who do not have hope in Christ, please, find someone to talk to about Christ. If you cant find someone, get in touch with me! I want to share with you the one hope I have. The only hope I have. Jesus is my only source of comfort at times and I tell you what, it is HOPE!
 

He is always the Man with the Plan!

    I am sure there are times when you question, is this my decision, or is this God's decision? Am I making the right choice? The means of how this came about seemed miraculous, but were they? Constant second guessing! I must say, this has been a God thing.
    My initial idea when starting this blog was to try to write once a week....well, you have seen how that turned out. But God! He has led me to write when He tells me what He wants written and I have been blessed by that. I don't have to think about what to write, when to write, I just let Him do it!
   Since about two months ago, He led me back to a day job. I had been praying that if God wanted me to work, to help out financially in our home, that He would have a job land in my lap. And it did! I was not looking. Praise God right?
   It seems though, the second it happens, I started second guessing. Did I make this happen? Did I push? Did I pray enough? This went on for probably about the first month.
   See, in taking this job, I had to give up a lot of what I had been doing, volunteer, at my home church. I was the behind the scenes girl and I had a goal to do whatever I could to make things easier on our pastor so he could focus on leading! Somehow, I had gotten really busy and had too much on my plate even though I wasn't working.
  Add work into the mix, BAM....overload!
     So little by little I have had to give up things I did. I was no longer the "Go to gal". and that title being placed on me by me, was hard to give up. I had heard before numerous times about God not wanting us to have titles because He wants us to go where He calls us and do what He tells us.....I have heard about pastors who stepped down and struggled because they were no longer "pastors". There is something hard about losing who you thought you were.
   I had been gifted all the tools I needed to do my "go to gal" job quite well. I did not like credit or spot light so being behind the scenes suited me well! And truly, I did desire to show other people how to do what I did so we could have a proper functioning church! So, ultimately, it wouldn't have been me anyway. But, the timing I suppose is what got me.
    I went through a phase where it felt like people were treating me different, treating me like I flaked out or like I was not in the Lords will and I am 100% sure that was me, not them. You know how the enemy makes you feel things when big changes happen.
   So, here is fact!
  1. He is in control of everything!!!! Even if by some chance, we make a decision that is not His plan, He is so much more greater than that and will be in that new plan, that new path. HE doesn't leave us because we make a mistake (not that this was a mistake....see below)
  2. As stated above, He never leaves us, ever. Even when we lose sight of who we are to Him. Even when we waiver, He is still there! He still loves us!
  3. When things happen that you have prayed about and happen miraculously, they are more than likely of Him, so grab on and hang on tight! Don't second guess, adjust, put your hope and faith in Him and ask Him to help you stand up on this new adventure!

  Things to keep in mind!
 He loves us so much, even when we makes mistakes.
He loves to bless us because He does love us!
When He has a plan, it is for the best!
 Trust in Him.
Don't ever put your hope, joy, ___________ whatever in people because they ALL will disappoint you just as I, you, will disappoint them.
Let all, ALL, you do be for Him, your daily work, your day job, your activities, your service, EVERYTHING, and you will be satisfied knowing you do it for Him and no one else. So even when people let you down, you can know, without a doubt, He is saying,  "Well done good and faithful servant!" because you did it for Him!

   I pray this encourages you and helps you trust in His plans and trust that even if you make the wrong choice in something, He is still there with you along the way! Going back to work was His plan for me, I am sure of it. But I have made other choices that were probably not His and He still has blessed me and He still loves me! I cry quite a bit because I don't understand His love for me or why He would want to bless me when I am a wretched sinner, but He does! It is purely amazing! If nothing else, hang on to that! His love for you!

How many times?

   I have began to read the Old Testament, where I had left off some time ago. Deuteronomy to be exact. I had no expectations to hear something profound from God, just to learn history. However, God always has other plans.
   I was reading in Chapter one, thinking about them silly Israelites, who have seen Seas parted, Manna fall from heaven, amazing Miracles and still had trouble believing. I read a blog one day by a lady whom I love to read, Kari Patterson ( Kari's blog ). She mentioned how she gets irritated at them and then realizes that we do the same thing.
   This go around, I felt the same way.
   How many times has God called me one way and I hesitate...I say, "But God, surely that is not Your plan..." "But God, I can not afford to do that...." "God....I am not ready...."
   How many times have I seen You move amazingly. You move mountains, You reach the lost, You are kindhearted and loving, You make miracles out of nothing, You make ways where there once was no way, and yet....I still hesitate or argue.
   I was challenged and humbled when I read these words :
  "Then I said to you, 'Do not be terrified, or afraid of them.  The Lord your God, who goes before you, He will fight for you, according to all He did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness where you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, in all the way that you went until you came to this place.' Yet, for all that, you did not believe the Lord your God, who went in the way before you to sear out a place for you to pitch your tents, to show you the way you should go, in the fire by night and in the cloud by day." Deuteronomy 1: 29-33
   How can I ask or a better word would be argue with God when He goes before me, when He searches out a place to pitch my tent, when He fights for me, when He carries me....?
   So I pray that next time He calls me somewhere, I will read this verse and pray that I remember it. That God would cast out all fear in my life because He has got me! I pray that you would also remember these words and not be in fear when He calls you to do something or go somewhere!
   

Waters cannot quench this Love.

"Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is as strong as death, jealousy as cruel as the grave, its flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame.

  Many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown it."

Song of Songs 8:6-7

     

            When I was a child, I loved fairy tales. To be completely honest, I still do. I think because of that, my idea of romance is blurred.  My husband is not a romantic type like I had dreamed about. (Bear with me!) I wanted a love that was passionate. I wanted a love that we would be jealous for each other, a love that nothing could stop, no waters could quench; Us against the world! 

    The thing is, fairy tales and modern day romance movies have it all wrong. Its not about our spouse. Its not. Our spouse will never be the person we want them to be. They will only be the person God calls them to be. And that is as it should be! 

   Does that mean that love does not exist? 

   

                                           No! It does exist!

   The verse above, Song of Songs 8. This love...this love is about Jesus and His love for us, His beloved. In my opinion, I believe that all of us desire a love like that. I also believe we were created in His image so He wants to be loved like that as well. 

   So, why do we keep searching as if that is not enough? So many people I know have divorced because their spouse does not fill that need they have or because their spouse let them down. We are human, we make mistakes, we are not perfect. 

     What if that need can only be filled by Jesus?  The only true and perfect being!  Will you let Him?

   

    In all honesty, this just hit me today! I had never thought about this so in depth. I know He loves us unconditionally. I get that. But....like this, with so much passion, so much jealously, so much gusto! He died on the cross, a grueling, painful death for me and for you....that is a pretty amazing love right there. I don't know why I didn't get it to this extreme until now.

   But you know what, I am in total and complete awe! Oh how I have longed for a love like this. 

 

   My husband is such a great man of God. He works hard to provide for me and my son. He leads our home. He would die for me. He would do anything for me. So, please hear me in my writing. I know my husband is who God intended for me! I would not trade him for anyone other man. 

   That is the great thing! I know I am not everything my husband desires either! But God is!

  

                                                      EVERYTHING!!!!!!!

   So, next time I struggle or next time those little evil thoughts creep in about there being better out there, I will remind myself, I already have the best, In Jesus!!!! What more could I ever want! And, letting Jesus love me like that and doing everything in me to love Him back like that, I know He will bless my marriage as well. All will fall into alignment. 

    As I reach up to Him, with all that is in me, vertical, on my tippy toes, He will make sure everything else is as it should be! Sort of a picture of a cross huh! 

  

                         My prayer today is this "Jesus, please, help me always be on my tippy toes, reaching as high, looking as high as I can toward you.  Help me see past my own self to realize that looking up to You, You will take care of everything else. All I need to do is reach to You, look to You, and You, You have got the rest taken care of. Help me understand this AMAZING love you have for me. Oh Jesus, I want to love You like You love me. I want to be jealous for You. I want there to never be any waters that could quench my love for You. I know You have called me Your beloved, I want You to be my Beloved! Jesus, I love You and I pray You will continue to grow me the way You want to. I trust You. In Your precious Name, Amen." 

He died for You too!

     I want to be brutally honest with you. Lately, there is this burning inside of me, deep, deep down. I know what it is, it is a heart yearning for Christ. It is my soul mourning in sadness. It is my desire to help others see Christ for who He is.
   Tears have been something of a daily thing lately; along with bouts of depression but...not the clinical kind of depression. This kind of depression I have been feeling is what I think Jesus feels when He is sad. When He see's you struggling and not looking to Him.
  You  have no idea how many people I see around me who are amazing witness for Christ. They believe Christ for who He is. They know what He is about. They go to church. They are active in church. They share, they evangelize, they believe...but there is something missing.

   All of those things, they believe for someone else.

    When it comes to them, they do not believe God could forgive them for their sins. I have struggled with this, you know, those sins that we make over and over. There are days I think God will eventually say, "Enough! I'm Done!" But you know what, He doesn't. He knew who we were before we were born. (Jeremiah 1:5, 1 Corinthians 8:3, Galatians 1:15 etc). So, though I understand a bit, I don't understand completely how a person could not catch a glimpse of this amazing love.

   My heart breaks for you!

  My soul aches for you!

   I hear our God crying out,
"I love you! I would die for you all over again if you would listen to Me and believe Me!"

 I hear our God crying out,
"This love you share is also for you! Nothing can separate My love from you!" (Romans 8:35-39)

    I have been preparing for a retreat the ladies in our church are doing. The theme is "Living Vertical." I love this because it is so easy, as a wife, as a mom, as an employee, as ......(you fill in the blank) to look down or to just get distracted. But we need to look up. Looking up is all the hope I have some days! Looking up helps me understand this love that He has for me.
  So, in studying for this retreat, we decided on Psalm 121:1-2 for our theme verses. I read the whole passage and was astonished. This burning in my heart, this desire to share with people, and specifically ladies, God's love for them, its all in this passage.
    Verse 8, oh how it brings me to tears... of joy. This is for you as well as me!  "The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever." NLT
I love the NKJV "The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore."
    If that doesn't speak of His love. FOREVERMORE, than I don't know what could.
  If you are one of these people, I am praying for you. Please, pray that God would show you that His love is for you as well. Repent, stand fast, and let Him love you! Read Psalm 121 everyday and repeat the forever more part! He loves you!
 

Oh Wretched Man That I Am

    Oh yes, more on this sin thing....I wanted to think about this in my own life, bring it closer to home. Why do I sin?  Why do I continue to do the same sin over and over? Why do I not learn my lesson? Why is this getting rid  of sin thing so hard. Sin is only a three, tiny letter word for goodness sake. 

     So, as I was thinking about this, a few things popped in my head. 

1. It is easier to sin at home, at least for me it is. I know my boys will forgive me, I know that I can be real with them, and I can hurt them but they will still love me. (Wow, doesn't that sound horrible) This is not ok, not at all but it is true. In fact, as I began to write this, I had used not so nice words to my son for interrupting me. Sad. 

   When I am out around people, other people, new people, people not in my family, I am nicer, I am cautious with my words, I am well behaved. 

   I am not saying that being fake is a good thing at all. Bear with me here!

and 2. Lets relate this to driving. When we are driving in our "comfort zone" our neighborhood, our town, we know what we can get away with. We speed, we don't completely stop at stops signs, we don't read the signs, we do things that are against the law. There is a place just in the next town over that has a four way stop. I have heard so many people say they just drive right through it because there is never anyone there.
   But, we drive out of our "comfort zone" we pay attention to the signs, we don't speed, we are cautious. We pay attention. 

   Paul brings me great comfort in Romans 7: 15-17 "For what I am doing, I do not understand,. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. but now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me." ... and he ends in vs 24 and 25 "O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God- through Jesus Christ our Lord."

      So, what can I learn from this? Firstly, I am not alone in my struggles, and neither are you. Even Paul struggled with this. Secondly, thank God we have Jesus! 

   How do I apply this to my life? I see now that for me, it is easier for me to sin in my comfort zone. So, knowing this, I need to not be so comfortable with the things God has blessed me with. I need to remember that my husband, my son are gifts God has given me and I need to treat them with love and respect not use them as my verbal punching bag. I need to push myself to read the signs...the stop sign, the yield, the do not enter and where do I find these? In His word. I need to be in constant, continual prayer and not just talking at God but talking with God which means listening to Him speak to me. 

  It is time to slow down, pay close attention, read the directions, live life the way He has called us to live, and to love one another, casting away sin as far away as we can. We need to desire purity, cleanliness, and desire Him above all else. The sin, then, will be less and less.

   Oh Jesus, please, less of me, more of You. Help me kill the sin in my life once and for all. Help me to live outside of my comfort zone where you are and when I am in my comfort zone, help me to live as though I am not, in a way pleasing to You.

knock knock....

    I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about sin. My pastor taught a sermon about sin as well as taught at class at our School of Ministry on sin. One of my favorite bloggers, Kari Patterson, has written lately about sin as well. ((click here to read Kari's blog.) So, needless to say, seems to be going around.

    I was thinking about how sin is, and what it reminds me of. I picture a clean, white house inside a great, picket fence protecting the house from everything on the outside of the fence. Then, a tall, lanky figure shows up, sin. He stands outside the fence begging to come in. 

   The thing is, he doesn't just stand there, he doesn't even just knock irritatingly; he lies. He makes whatever your sin is in your life look good. He twists it around to even be something the Bible says is ok. He lures you, attracts you to it. 

   All this tall, lanky fellow needs is a tiny opening to come in. So, as he lures you, you do it, you unlock the latch and barely just barely open the gate. Then, before you know it, it has taken over the entire fenced enclosure, house and all. 

   To me, sin is like a big, giant shadow, enclosing everything around it in darkness. You barely touch it and it has taken over. You feel guilty, you feel sick, you feel ashamed which sometimes leads to more sin, more lies, more darkness. You hear the lies "You are a sinful person." "You could never be saved now." "You are not fit to be a leader, a teacher, a _____________" "He will never forgive you now, you keep sinning over and over with the same sin." 

   LIES! All of them, lies!

   Yes, we sinned, yes, it was wrong but we have something so amazing, so freeing, we have Grace. So, how do we kick sin out and figure out a way to ignore it once and for all.... but how? How can we do that?

 Colossians 1:21-23 is how. Jesus.

   He came, became a man, lived a life we are to follow, and took all of our sin, ALL of our sin, even the sin we have not committed yet, the sin that we keep letting in our lives, the sin we have such a hard time saying no too. He died for those sins too. 

  Why? 

 One simple word, Love. 

   He died because He loves us, all of us!

  John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." NKJV

 Romans 8:37-39 "No, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. " NKJV

   Ephesians 2:4-5 "But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved)..." NKJV

  So, what is our response?  Confess our sin, (Romans 10:9) continue to cling to Him. When we see that tall, lanky sin figure waiting for us, turn away from it, fight for Jesus, fight for purity. He will be right there waiting for us to help us, to guide us, to love us. Read His words, (Psalm 119:105), be steadfast in prayer, and fill your mind with His thoughts, not your own. 

   I pray you will fight the good fight against sin and please, pray for me as well. This battle against sin is a tough one but the great news is, we are not alone, we have Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. 

   My prayer for you dear friend,  That you may  "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophesies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every evil. Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ." Amen!

~Cultivating Soil~

 

  Many of you, I am sure, are familiar with the parable of the Sower. The parable about seed that was sown in different areas. Some that were rocky, some that were sown on the wayside, some sown among the thorns, and some sown among the good ground.
   As Jesus explains this parable, He shows us that some, when they hear about the Word, satan comes and immediately takes it away, the seed by the wayside. The ones by the rocky ground received the Word with gladness but it took no root so it withered away. The ones among the thorns, the Word was choked off by love and care of the world, not of Him. And the good ground, that is where the Word grows deep.
    Again, I am sure most of you have read this and heard this taught as I have. But today....I was reading a few blogs, reading a few bits of books in search for a certain book. I felt Jesus saying, "You want to know Me more, read My Word." So I did. I picked up my Bible and started reading Mark, not really sure where I was going but knowing, I was reading His word and I would certainly glean from it!
   I got to chapter 4 and read this smiling, thinking, I know this story. But then it hit me....He wants to speak something new to me. He wants to remind me, His Word is alive and it constantly speaks when we read of the Word. And, this is true of today.
   What I heard, when I read, what He said to me was this.....(I am not changing what He said in the Bible, please know this, this is what He spoke to me in response to me reading His Word)
   "What if....instead of sharing the Word only on good ground, you actually did some labor in the other ground. You spent time moving rocks, pulling weeds, cultivating the soil so it was ready to receive the Word when it is sown?"
    I had to think for a while. Cultivate the ground.....
  My first thought is, that is not what Your Word is saying".......... but isn't it? I mean, we are called to go out, all of us are called to go and make disciples of all the nations, not just the "good soiled" nations. (Matthew 28:18-20)
    At this time in my life, I am really feeling called to reach people, all people, not just ones I could see myself being with, not just the ones who look clean and smell decent. I feel Him saying, "Now, now is the time!" to reach all, even the ones who are dirty and may smell like week old alcohol, even the ones who are really wealthy and dress in high fashion, even the ones who live next door to me, even the ones who are in my family and are really close to me.....yikes.
   It is not easy, I know, I am having a hard time writing this because it is hard...it is hard to walk out of your comfort zone, hard to take a step of  faith let alone a leap of faith. But you know what, He is there waiting for us! He paved the way, He walks with us holding our hand if we need it. He has our back. He wont let us fall.(Duet 31:6-8, Isa 45:2, Josh 1:5, Heb 13:5) And even if these relationships crumble and fall, He is there to hold us together and remind us that eternity is far more important that this temporal life we live. It is far too important to allow those around us to end up in hell because we were to fearful. It is far too important to not share the Good News, to not speak truth and life into peoples lives.
   So, oh Jesus, I pray that you help me learn to be a good cultivator. Help me build relationships where I can weed the soil, where I can help move rocks, where I can be the "scarecrow" to shew away the birds from stealing the seed. I cant do any of this, not in and of myself, but You, and only You can do this through me. So Jesus I pray you  help me be that person You keep showing me. Help me step out. Help me trust you completely. Help me let go of me and cling to You! In Your precious Name I pray, amen.

I Want to Follow You!

It seems like lately, there has just been this theme in my life, like, God is speaking in 

a specific way  and calling people to Him, the way He intended. When I look around, I see people just so comfortable in their lives, in their walk with Christ, in their comfort zone. It scares me really. I don't ever want to just be comfortable. Sure, stepping out of the comfort zone is really scary but....when I get to heaven, I want so badly to hear Him say "Well done my good and faithful servant." Would I hear Him say that if I just stick to what is comfortable for me?

The church I attend has been on a direct path this past year and at first, I was like, YES! We are 

headed down the right path. Then, to be honest, I started second guessing...well, maybe that is not my path.... I am sorry I ever said that, and I need to repent of that for a few reasons, 1. The elders of my church, your church, are placed in a role above us and we are to submit to them (Heb 13:17)(As long as they are not in contrast to the Bible.) . and 2. I was not seeking Christ at this time, truly seeking Him, sitting at His feet. and sadly, 3. I was grumbling and complaining which is so wrong on so many levels. (Phil 2:14)

 What has changed? I have been truly seeking God....sitting at His feet, not just talking at him,

but listening to Him speak to me. I have rested in Him. I have allowed Him to use me in ways I never thought possible. I have asked Him to help me submit, to help me know how He wants to use my gifts, how He wants me to be a part of this direction my home church is headed in. It might not look exactly like our elders because they have different gifts, however, each gift is important, and my gift is a part of the body, necessary for the body to move correctly, so, I am needed, all of us are needed.

Here is the thing...as I read my Bible, God's direct Word!, as I read another great book,

 Radical, by David Platt, I am challenged. Where in the Word does it say that one is called to go on world missions and another is not. Where does it say that one is called to live an easy "American Dream" life and another is not? Living in America is a blessing but lately, I am seeing it so different. We are so comfortable here. So content doing what we do. Going to church Sunday, maybe Wednesday but if we are called to do more,  "No way, I have to do this, I work too hard, I have to go here." We are trained here in the US that we must work hard, earn the most money, so we can buy a nice home, have nice things, and retire. When we retire, hopefully we can enjoy the "fruits of our labor." by vacationing, relaxing, etc. I am not saying this is wrong for everyone, but for me, I need to see where He says it. 

Where does it say this in the Bible? I don't see it. 

 Paul, Peter, John, ...did any of them work, work, work so they could settle down,

 buy a house, two nice cars, white picket fence, dog in the back, nice, big bank account, and a vacation home on the beach? No. They were bruised, broken, no home, no wardrobe, no freezer. They were in jail. They were stoned in many towns. They were killed for His names sake. 

What about Jesus. If anyone deserved this "American Dream" lifestyle, it was Him! He had no home while

on the earth, no wardrobe, no white picket fence. He was bruised, spat on, laughed at, tested, tried, and ultimately, He hung on a cross taking on all of our sin, sin that was not His, to save us.

 He gave up His life for ours.
And what do we do?

We live selfishly.
I'm sorry, this really hurts me to the core. I am so saddened by my own actions, by my own 

thinking. Lord, please forgive me. Please help me un-train my brain from thinking I deserve the American Dream. Please help me see what You have in store for me. Please, help me live out of my comfort zone.

We need to remember, our retirement plan...it is better than the most 

incredible American Dream, better than our perfect vacation home, better than anything we 

could possibly dream up. Our retirement plan is in heaven, with our precious Jesus, when our life here on earth is over. Praise the Lord for this! When put in perspective, this life of work, even if we were beaten every day for 100 years, it is nothing compared to the amazing retirement plan we have through Him!  

Give me Your eyes, Your heart...

  I am sure most of you have heard the song, "Give Me Your Eyes", by Brandon Heath. It is a very good song about seeing people through their outer layers. I have been wanting to do this song for my small group for some time, so, I have been spending a lot of time playing, singing, and practicing.
   So, today, as I sat there playing it, usually at the end of a song (when I am alone) I tend to just play the chords with my eyes shut, listening to Him, and singing in prayer to Him. As I prayed for His eyes, His heart, His arms, for Him to break my heart for what breaks His, I was able to dig deeper.
   I will have to say, it had part to do with a YouTube video I found too from a youth group that did this song and put posters on people. What a great video. But I thought a bit deeper.
    When you are out and about, you know those people who irritate you to the core?  The nicely dressed lady who is pushy and grouchy at the check out line, The man who seems to be somewhere else and not paying attention, The teen who is acting out obviously seeking attention, or the child who lags behind his parent slowing you down. You know these people. I am sure there are different ones in your life, but we all have them, I am sure we have all been them.
   So, here is the thought.
What if the nicely dressed lady is trying to look put together, trying to be in control because her life is out of control, maybe she is losing her husband, her home, her life as she knows it.
What if that man is out of it because he lost his job, maybe he is the husband to the wife above.
What if that teen is seeking attention as a last attempt for anyone to notice as they have decided to end their life.
What if that child lagging is because this child is alone, feeling lonely all the time.
   If you think about it, when you are not at your best, don't you tend to act like you are on top of it? My prayer for myself is that I would continue to pray for the heart of Jesus. Lately, the more I pray, the more I find myself saddened by the world but I have to remember Hope. He is our Hope. Maybe, just maybe, we need to share this Hope we have, with those people, all those people.
   I was reading in Acts 10 today and reading about Peter's vision. He woke from it saying "Lord, I would never eat of anything unclean." And  in verse 15, "And a voice spoke to him again the second time, "what God has cleansed you must not call common."  And if you continue reading, He was meaning to speak to the Gentiles, a people who they thought were unclean.
  Isn't that us? People who are richer than us, poorer than us, druggies, drunks, single moms, single dads, married, teens, children, elderly, a different race, chubby, thin, the list goes on an on. If they are different, do we think they are un-savable? Or maybe God wouldn't use us to share with them. Wrong!
   Oh Lord, please, change the error in my thinking and Please God, Please, give me the heart of Jesus!!!!

~Glorious!

   On Thursday Nights, the church I attend has a small prayer group where we do a few songs of worship and then pray. So, last night, January 2, 2014, I was a little late getting there and they were already in worship.
  Not wanting to interrupt, I sat on the outer part of the circle and was still before the Lord. They began to sing. Now, I am not trying to brag or anything but our little church has some amazing musical talent. There is a gal who comes who has a voice you could listen to all day. She truly could sell her music and make good money yet she chooses not to' she chooses to serve the Lord here. And this guy who just moved here can play the guitar like no ones business and sing with so much passion that you have to stop and let it be, let it happen.
   So, I myself, I love to sing, I do the sound for our church, and to be honest, my first, very first thought that comes across my mind when I hear them each time is, "Lord, I wish I could sing like that...." But this time around, as I sat silently before the Lord, listening to their voices resonate through the sanctuary and surely up to the Lord's ears, He spoke to me.
     "The way you feel when you hear them sing, the way you think they sound, the way your heart is pleased and filled with joy, that is how I feel when I hear true worship from you and from anyone, even those who may not sound pleasing to your ear."
    I had to think about this...during worship practice afterwards while I listened more to the talent before me, and even when I came home, I still thought about it. Wow. The way I feel when I hear them sing, those who have beautiful talent, like another gal who plays the piano like an angel and who sings so pure, the girl I stated above, or the guy with his passion, that is how He feels when I truly worship Him. Not that I sound anywhere near as good as these people but to Him I do. To Him you do!
   Psalm 100  "Make a joyful shout to the Lord, all you lands! Serve the Lord with gladness; Come before His presence with singing. Know that the Lord, He is God; It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; We are His people and the sheep of His pasture. Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him; and bless His name. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting; and His truth endures to all generations!"