~change of plans

   It seemed as though I was on a roll last week of going to the bluff to read, pray, and spend time with Jesus.  Since I had been doing this, things have been going really well. I felt like God was in total control and I was following Him closely.
   Friday, kids had no school, so my son was home. He is 11 going on 16. Some days, he is the most amazingly, smart boy ever. He loves to cuddle with his mom. He loves to spend time in the Word. He is a great boy. But he has his moments.
   This Friday, he had one. And here is where the brutal, humble, honest truth comes out. I have a temper. A short fused temper. He had an attitude and I lost it. It was like the last week had not even taken place. I was on the right path and felt so firm in my steps and one tiny little pebble and BAM, I was off the path.
   My son is a true "mini me" and so when I lose it, he loses it more. We did a HUGE downward spiral of yelling and attitudes. It got to the point where I realized, this was not of God. Not in the slightest so I tried to calm us both down. It didn't work. So, I had to yell at the devil to get out of our lives because I could feel his pull on both of us and finally, my son broke down too and we cried together. We said sorry to each other, and I had to swallow my pride and explain that even parents don't have it all together.
   Change of Plans! I grabbed our Bibles, grabbed my son, and we both went up to the bluff, my office, to pray. We talked about his stuff (games etc) then we talked about the city we were looking at. We talked about the mission field below us. We talked about Christ. We talked about the narrow path to heaven and how most of the people we could see were not going to make it. We talked about how so many people  had hardened hearts. Then we read the Bible in silence.
   What really was amazing was, I read my chapter and loved it and learned from it but I really didn't feel anything jumping out at me as a lesson or word to cling to....but then my son said, "Mom...listen." He was reading Isaiah 1. vs 4 "Ah, sinful nation, a people loaded with guilt, a brood of evildoers, children given to corruption! They have forsaken the Lord; they have spurned the Holy One of Israel and turned their backs on him."  He then said, "It is kind of like the people in this town..." He continued to read all of Chapter 1 and spoke to me relating parts of it to this town and the hearts of the lost.
   It was amazing to me because he was young, and yet, he understood what God was saying. I tell you, it was a blessing to spend this time with my son. To teach him, to be taught by him, to pray over our town together and had we not let God take over that morning, we would have missed it.
    My prayer is that you see when you are being taken off the right path and put on a path that leads you away from Him. Sometimes, a different path looks better or feels better but you know what, the best and biggest blessings are on the right path. Satisfying my need of letting the anger out by yelling or showing my "momness" no way compares to hearing my son speak to me about what was being said in the Bible. To hear his thoughts, ideas, and life. Precious! Lord, please help me to recognize things that are not of you and to give me the strength to rebuke them and run back to Your path! In Jesus name, Amen!
 

~walk on the water

    Today, as I sat up overlooking our city, it was filled with smoke. It was still peaceful and beautiful from a distance, but quite smokey. I smiled, prayed that Jesus would speak to me this morning through His word and that I would hear, whatever it was, He wanted to say to me.
   Always ever present in the back of my mind is Pastor Rory's vision....going door to door spreading the Gospel. And Aaron saying that the JW's  are reaching millions....but my mind still stuck on, that is not for me!
   So,I began to read James and it seems as if God is speaking to me because it does not seem to matter what I read in the Bible lately, whether it be Matthew or wherever, I see this : James 1:22 "But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves." Yes, there is more before and after, and yes, it is just as important but lately, God is saying to me, "Now! Now is the time Nikki, Now be a doer!"
    As many of my fellow brothers and sisters in the Bible, I always hear the discouragements raging on...."You cant do it...you do not know your Bible enough....you are to scared....you will fail....you will get hurt...you wont reach anyone...what a waste of time....you could be doing something else......”
   But, funny thing....James 1:5 (fitting, it comes right before being doers!) "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him." Again, more to that one...but the point is....I have all I need! I have the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost ever present with me. What else could I possilby need?
   I am a visual person, I am a photographer so I see things and I love it when God speaks to me in pictures....I wish I could draw because then I could maybe jot down a glimpse of what I saw but I worked with what I had.
So, as i looked over the bluff....I saw first, a beautiful, quiet city. Details...I need to look deeper....so I did...I saw ridgelines...I could imagine water filling this up and that is when I saw Living Water filling up our town...Amazingly, beautiful Living Water, overflowing, neverending!!!! I saw Jesus walking over our town on that Water....I remembered  Peter in Matthew 14:22-33 when Jesus walked out to them and Peter said, vs 28 "Lord, if it's you, " Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." vs 29 "Come," He said.  Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water, and came toward Jesus. vs 30, But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord save me!"

 
 I then looked at what was infront of me....this town, that could be that picture, was filled with smoke, smog....pollution seeping in the crevacies and basically suffocating people. It was almost sneakly like too. Not like water would gush all over, smoke sort of lurks and seeps.

 I am not lying, do you know what happened? A JW came and knocked on my truck window.....they gave me a flier and shared their web page with me. Seeing I had my Bible out, she asked me only a few questions about what I was reading and what my purpose in reading was. I told her I wanted to share the Gospel with people and that was that Jesus died, rose again, giving us hope of heaven forever with Him. She didn't argue but she did leave fairly quickly.
      The analyzer that I am said....you didn't really do any good there Nikki. But then GOd said, "that was not for her, that was for you! Pollution is moving very quickly here....What are you gonna do about it?”

~Save the lost, show they I AM all they need!

     Yep, in my office now :) If you read the prior post from today, this is time I spent with Jesus in my office, after letting it all go!

      Our Pastor has a huge heart for the lost. He is always encouraging and exhorting us to be disciples, to disciple, and to evangelize. I will never forget when he told us he was driving threw town and started sobbing because he could see so many lost people, people going to hell.
   My prayer has always been to have the heart of Jesus....but, did I really want it? It is clear to me now that I prayed it but did not pursue it to the fullest. I do have a heart for people, for youth, for poor, for growing the Kingdom of God, but....I see a bigger picture... I don't zoom in....Stay with me a second here....

    So, this is the view from my office :), from the bluff overlooking our small town. I was looking it over and praying and praying. I prayed for my pastors vision of reaching everyone in our town with the Gospel, however that looked like, even if it meant stepping out of my comfort zone. I prayed that God would move in this town.

   I had just read a blog by Pastor Chuck Smith on Genuine Faith and he spoke about how you can feel the wind and see its evidence...I saw wind and then I could hear God saying, "I am moving in this town...I am at work here." I could see His hands holding our town. Amazing.....

    Here is the thing, God said "I"...and that really hit me. My core group had just taken cupcakes to a shelter and I said, "We are from Calvary Chapel" as I introduced us.....Better wording would have been "God sent us here with these for you." Because, it is not about our church, my church, your church, it is ALL about HIS church! It is about HIM and HIM alone! Our goal is to build HIS Kingdom, not ours. 

    Last night we were reading and read, Matthew and in chapter 13, there is a lot of talk about seeing and not perceiving and hearing but not listening....Oh Lord, let me be like verse 16 "But blessed are your eyes for they see, and your ears for they hear..." 

   So, now that we are thinking about the corporate church, HIS church, lets zoom in....lets not look at what I can do or we can do to this town, lets zoom in and see what HE wants to do through us....

      Now, can you see the cars....I didn't before, I saw a town...now I see houses, businesses, cars, people....life.......My heart broke. Most of these people do not know Jesus. My neighbors, my favorite McDonald's girls, my favorite cashier, my favorite barista.....they are lost, they are going to hell. I began to weep for my city...weep for these people I could now see through His eyes. Lord, break my heart for what breaks Yours!
   And He spoke to me, "Save the lost, show them that I am all they need!"
   I saw a group of ravens flying....my favorite verse is Luke 12:24 "Consider the raves for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds?"  What a beautiful picture....He is all they need, the poor, the homeless, the rich, the mighty, HE is all they need and He was showing me in words I could understand! Thank You Jesus!!!!

    Today.....October 23, 2013, after a hard few weeks, I gave up.....I gave up everything....I gave up trying to be the perfect wife....I gave up trying to be the perfect mom.....the perfect core group leader....the perfect sound control person.....the perfect "behind the scenes" girl.....the perfect anything....I gave up control on all of it, every aspect of my life. I realized, after blurting it all out yesterday at a meeting, that I was in control of my life, I, not Him.....whoops...how did that happen?
    To recap yesterday quickly, I was feeling overwhelmed in my Godly duties, ones I know I am called to do by Him...."How can one be overwhelmed when one is called by God?", you might ask....simple....by taking over control. I stated I was overwhelmed and wanted to know how my Pastor does it cause he surely does a lot more than I.
   A few people spoke up and said a lot of things but here are the things that hit me.....
    Simplify your life....now....I may have interpreted this the wrong way, but here is what it meant to me....Try to de-clutter your home and life. Home being, keeping it clean by eliminating certain things in it. I live in a very small one bedroom apartment with three of us. We have a very cluttered home. And, as a woman, it stresses me out to no end, sitting in my living room, trying to rest in Christ, surrounded by clutter. So, this made great sense to me because for me, I would have less stress in my life if my home exemplified a life of less clutter!
   And simplify your life....getting rid of the world. I try not to cling to the world too much and I think I got a little proud in my "unworldliness". See, we try, as a family, to make sure all our decisions are based on how God would want it not what the world thinks, we don't cuss, we don't drink, we are pretty "good" people. BUT.....I like to sit down after dinner and relax by watching TV. Yep! There it is.
    Here is our schedule, my husband gets home from work around 4:30pm. My son 3:00pm. I am home all the time. But, typically, we have to be somewhere by 6:00pm so, we squeeze in dinner, family Bible reading, and all our own stuff in that small time....then when we get home around 8pm, it is TV time! Woo hoo! Relaxation!
   See why I am stressed.....  1.5 hours to cram my idea of what we are to do as a family  into that short period of time.   (We read the Word on our own and are very involved in church with different classes but what I am talking about here,  is the family reading time of the Bible and talking and dinner....so on! You know, MY ideas!)
   Here was my thoughts as I was listening to this Simplify your life talk....."I don't watch too much TV and it is certainly not my god. I could give it up at any time."   Here is the question, "Do I?" No....My fleshly, worldly side takes over and says, "You work hard for God, take a few hours to relax and take care of you, God would want you to......" Don't misunderstand, there are times of relaxing and taking care of you, but this particular "thing" in MY life is not of God!
   That night, as we were reading the Word after dinner, 6pm came too fast so we decided to finish reading when my son got home from Youth Group. Well, he got home at 7:35pm and NCIS starts at 8pm....hurry, read read read read!  Now, my boys are great readers but they are not fast....not by any means....so I could feel God poking me, "See....this is what I am talking about." I was getting irritated at the slowness, at the time that was wasted in questions.....and it hit me.....Nikki, you have somewhere lost it and TV has become an idol...it is more important that God.....
   Talk about a slap in the face! I did not want to ever hear that. It is never my intention to have idols! I never thought it was because I truly could walk away from it, but that night, last night, it was an idol. Amazing how they creep in so sneaky like! I let it go, control over my schedule, GONE! Bam! I felt peace finishing our reading!
   I also heard about being in the Spirit and prayer! Two so very important things. Have you read the Bible? How many times are they mentioned? Acts 4:31, for example "And when they had prayed, the place where they were assembled together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit, and they spoke the word of God with boldness!"   That is one example, there are a gazillion more!
   So, this morning, I got up ready to go. I packed my camera, my Bible, a dollar for a McDonalds Diet Coke, and headed to take my son to school. After which, I went up on the bluff of our town. A place I like to call my office! On the way up, I had in Red. (My favorite Christian Rock Band.) As I drove up, the song, "Let Go" played and I screamed it at the top of my lungs. I realized, satan had me, he had me in control of my life. I was trying so hard to fit everything in and to be the perfect everything it was falling to pieces very quickly!
   I will put the lyrics at the end...but it was exhilarating! I felt satan let go, I felt myself let go of all of this control I seemed to be taking, and gave it all ALL to God! Wow, what a relief it is, what a joy, what peace. Why on earth would I want all that. I don't. Oh Lord, please don't ever let me get control again, slap me in the face again when I do. I want to let You lead me. I want to follow You. Direct me O God! My life is Yours! In Jesus Name, amen.
    Here are the lyrics!
"Let Go"

"Hey you, look what you do to me
You bend and you bruise me
Why you try to control me?
But you don't know me
How come you just want to hurt me?
How come you just want to push me?
I can't ignore you anymore
Cause everywhere I turn you
You burn me, you break me
You always want to take me down with you
What do you want from me?

I don't wanna be afraid, I don't wanna run away
I don't want to be here fading it's more that I can take
I'm never gonna be the same
I threw it all away
I don't want to be here fading
Just let go! (look what you do to me)
Let go! (look what you do to me)

Hey you, look what you do to me
You burnt and you scared me
With all that you tell me (but I don't listen!)
You love me, you hate me
You always want to take me down with you
What do you want from me?

I don't wanna be afraid I don't wanna run away
I don't want to be here fading it's more that I can take
I'm never gonna be the same
I threw it all away
I don't want to be here fading
Just let

You kept pushing me
You keep using me
You keep twisting me
You keep breaking me
You can't have me anymore [x3]
You can't have me, let go!

I don't wanna be afraid, I don't wanna run away
I don't want to be here fading it's more that I can take

I'm never gonna be the same
I threw it all away
I don't want to be here fading
Just let go! Let go! Just let go!
I don't wanna be afraid
Let go! (I don't wanna run away!)
Just let go! Let go! Let go!"

 

~Beautiful

     I am learning to play the guitar on my own and I only know certain chords and others, I have not learned yet. It is a process for sure. I try to get songs in the keys I know most of the time.   So, there is a beautiful song I really want to learn, Porcelain Heart by Barlow Girl, and I am so frustrated because there is one chord I can not get. No matter which key I put it in, it still has a chord I do not know.
  So, this got me thinking...if only I could play that one, one mind you, note, this song would be perfect and beautiful.....I don't want to practice and practice, my fingers hurt so bad, and I just can not seem to get the hang of this one chord (Its a B chord for those wondering).
    Isn't that the case with us? If we would only let go of that sin or that fleshly self, we could be perfect and beautiful like He created us to be....
  This doesn't happen instantly, we just have to keep trying, keep practicing, keep doing things that sometimes hurt trying to make it pure, beautiful, innocent, and then one day, it will all come together beautiful....
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11