Valley of the Shadow of Death

Psalm 23

 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil;

For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presences of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 

    Living with any chronic illness is especially hard on its own, but then add holidays, stress, and busyness and it makes it all the more worse. I am writing today because it is the day before Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, and I want to crawl in a hole and hide. 

   People may say, look at the bright side, focus on the good, etc. And yes, this is good to think on and reflect on. But here is the truth. I am deeply happy for tomorrow. I am filled with love and joy as I bake and decorate. But...as I do things and my illness tries to take over, it just defeats me. Like most of you. 

   It is as if you are not able to do anything like you could before. Not one thing. And the one thing just adds up on another one thing and another and then finally you say, I can't do anything anymore and give up. A lot of people do. 

    Then, add depression into the mix and you get lies and gloom surrounding you. "You would be better off dying." "The world would go on just fine with out you." Etc. You know the lies I speak of. 

So, what is my point?

   I am here to say that you need to give yourself a break. Don't let the worlds idea of how you should be take away from who you are at this moment. You are exactly how you should be, pain, depression, and all. We don't need to get things done on our own like we used to anymore. We can ask for help. We can take breaks. But we push through! If you need to take a break, take it! But then get up and keep moving. 

   I am cleaning today and then baking. While I clean, I struggle. I used to be able to do this with no problems and get it done fast. Now....I want to cry. I want to hide. I want to give up. I am so tired of dealing with this. BUT...I didn't. I asked my son to help me and he did and it was nice. 

   Honestly, I still wanted to give up, that is why I decided to come, take a breather,  and write a little because we can't! We must keep fighting. We must keep breathing. We must keep going! I know there are better days ahead! 

    When we become adults, we don't expect ourselves to run around as we did as children, we grew up. And with growing up comes change. And as we adult through life, we change more. Adapt. Things will be different but they can still be good.
    I chose the verse above because I think sometimes we believe life with God has happiness and perfection in it. I don't agree with that. While we are on earth, we will have trials and tribulation as well as joy and peace. I believe the author knew that too and that is why he wrote  

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name's sake."

   The good life. The life enriched with blessings that we should praise God for. The birth of children, the gifts of health, the new jobs, the new homes, etc. etc. 

    But he goes on....

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil;

For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presences of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over."

    The hard times, the dark times. The depression, the illness, the feeling of being surround by nothing but death and enemies. But who is there in the midst dining with you? God! And that is my hope in dark times. I pray it is yours!!!!

   May goodness and mercy follow you all the days of your life ! When you are in your dark times, in the valley of the shadow of death, remember, you are not alone and it is ok to sit down and take a breath!

                 Happy Thanksgiving!

An Adventure to Remember.

  The last day of Sept. 2016 is the day we prepared for. I had bought a 3 dollar steak a few days prior and tried my hand at making jerkey in the oven.

They were not the best, but there were certainly good!!! 

  So, we packed up some gluten free trail snacks, water bottles, and jerky and set off in an adventure. We stopped at a local department store to get some bear spray, just to have to be safe. When we told the man working we were hiking Rooster Rock he said, that is a tough trail and looked at us like there was no way we could do it. 

   At 10am, we arrived. John had his hunting pack on to continue getting season ready. I had my camera packed up and we began. 

  The initial trail is inviting and so beautiful. It is covered in a canopy of Vine Maples, Pine Trees, wild ferns, and Maples. There was moss carpeting everything. It is indescribable! 

    

   But as you get through the first 20 feet, you then begin the ascent. I am talking an ASCENT too. Now, keep in mind, I am plus size. I am not to my goal weight yet. I am not physically where I want to be but I have been consistently working out for over a year and eating healthy, clean foods. So, this was not going to be an easy feat for me. Not in the slightest. 

   This trail is 1.6 miles one way to the junction of Trout Creek Trail. From there, you can continue on to the Rooster Rock pillars. The trail elevation starts at 1300 feet and ends at 3567 feet.  So in essence, you are on an uphill climb constantly. I remember John and I both saying it would be nice to have a small spot of flat to stand on for a while.But no such luck. 

  

    We paced ourselves. We took many of many of breaks to stop and catch my breath. We sat down a few times to rest and eat some carbs and protein and drink up some water. Another couple passed us and went on. We were not in a hurry and we were enjoying God's creation. 

   There were spots you could see the road and river below and they were so far down. There were spots you could see how high you were by looking across at the mountain across the road. We were, in fact, going up higher and higher, yet, the mountain top above us seemed to keep getting further and further away. 

   The saddest part about this trip is that there were so many dense trees that we could not really see a view the whole time. And that was challenging on my mind. 

   So let me pause here and let you know about what was on my mind. I am struggling with losing this weight and work very hard to do so but to no avail. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have found that when I have a high, like doing something amazing or something I have not been able to do before, I have an instant low, real low. SO, while we were up probably around 3000 feet on this mountain, my low hit. I wanted to cry. I didn't see any change in the trail ahead, just up. No view, no rocks, nothing but up.  I tried to explain to my husband that I was feeling very defeated, very disappointed, and very much a failure. He explained to me that even if we turned around at our first stopping point,(probably around 2000ft)  that would have been a HUGE accomplishment. He didn't realize this trail was going to be so hard and he was super proud of me that I was doing so well. He couldn't understand how I could be sad. I decided to push on. My man is one in a million!

   So we kept on and on our second sitting break eating some jerky, the couple passed going back down. They said the junction was literally right around the corner. They also said the trail from there on was straight up pretty much and about a half mile more. 

   

  We talked, rested, and decided to make it to the junction. 

  And that we did! We decided that this was enough of an accomplishment. The lack of views were trying on my husband too. He loves to walk aimlessly through the woods but to hike like this, he wants to see rewards. Come to find out, there are views from the top, but for today, we stopped here and turned around. 

   The downhill decent, though much easier on the heart, the lungs, and the majority of the body soon began to wear on the toes, knees, and feet. We made it down safely but our toes were dying. 

    All in all, this was a great adventure to me. I still have little lies coming in saying I am a failure, I should have pushed through, but later that day, I know we made the right choice. My knees were in bad shape that night. I think I might want to try it again when I am smaller in size so that my knees wont have so much weight on them. But for now, I am proud! I accomplished almost 3000 feet of elevation hiking and there is no way I could have done that a year ago. 

   I am proud that I have stuck with my Beachbody workouts, my Shakeology, my Jesus, and my family! I am headed in the right direction. And this hike is proof. Amazing! I am ready for my next hike by the way!!! And I will try to start posting more again. Things have definitely changed in our lives since I last wrote!  If you have questions or need anything, just ask!!! <3 you all blog readers !

I'll be ok, just not today;

     Living with depression has been an eye opener. I have had to change things in my life that most people don't understand. There are days I have to just let things go. Where some people push themselves to clean their house, do this, do that, some days...it is all I can do to go to work. And I have to be ok with that!
   There are days that something incredible happens and I have a split second of joy and then sadness surrounds me. I wonder, am I ok? Is there something wrong with me? No, there is nothing wrong with me other than I suffer from depression.
   Some days, I just want to cry, other days, I want to cause arguments and fights, and once in a while, I want to smile and laugh. I have to be ok with this as well!
  This  is just my life and that is ok. I am learning how to deal with it instead of hiding it or trying to ignore it. My family is learning how to listen to me. I am learning to speak out when I need help or when I need to be left alone. I am learning what works for me and what doesn't.
    After researching on what natural things help depression and anxiety, one can sink in a lake of information. I still suggest trying things to ease your pain. What I have found works for me is exercise, art, and music.
    I have started working out every day. Working on my health and fitness by eating clean foods and taking care of me. Most days, it has helped me push past my dark days. But now and again, a dark day comes along, even when I exercise.
  I started getting into more photography art, my love in life is photography. I have started really trying to capture what I feel onto a photograph. I am embracing this darkness I have because it is a part of me and I should not try to hide it. This is me! Some days, it helps, other days, it doesn't.
   Music, one of my biggest loves in life. Some days, I can listen to sad songs and it eases the darkness while other days, it brings me deeper so I have to know when to stop or what to listen to on what days.
  I want to be completely natural in medications and food so I am not seeing a doctor currently. I take some natural herbs that are good for you and also help with your mood. However, I do know that if I get worse, it is ok to talk to a doctor. I am ok with that!
   Some things work some days and other days, it doesn't.

Where am I going with this blog article?

   The thing is, there is this stigma associated with depression and anxiety. If you suffer from this you are sick or messed up.  You must be crazy. And yes, sometimes I feel crazy, but I am not crazy, I do not have an illness, and I am not messed up. I am just dealing with depression and anxiety. It is who I am. If you suffer from it, it is who you are. The thing we need to do is not suffer from it. We need to live with it. Live....   We need to be very open and honest with our loved ones. We need to know when to reach out. We need to be open to getting medical help. We need to know what helps and what doesn't help. We need to learn how to embrace the dark and once we do that, we can let the light shine through.
   If you need help, you don't know where to start or what to do, let me know. I would love to help you or help you find help!

Though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death...

      Wake up to find  a text that Pastor Saeed Abedini has been released from the Iranian Prison. Something we have been praying for, for YEARS! Praise the Lord! Go on Facebook to see pictures and posts of him all over. What  glorious day! Feeling glad because I have been exercising and eating so clean lately. My body and health feel great. 

    

Why am I still sad?

   There are days that you just wake up that way and there is no reason. I should be ecstatic and exuberant but I am not. Yes, I am overjoyed for the Abedini's!  Yes, I am praising God for all He has done. But yes, I am still very sad today.
   
   Dealing with depression is something that I feel and fear will never go away. I have had many many good days this past few months. I contribute it to eating healthy, working out, focusing on helping others, and most importantly, spending time with my God. I thought maybe, these days were over. I thought maybe, just maybe, I kicked this depression thing in the butt. 

   I thought wrong!

   And it is OK! It is! I can do it. I can keep going! I know that I will have good days and I will have bad days or sad days. I know that God is there every step with me. I know that because He has been, He will be, and He was with others.

Psalm 23:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 

   I feel that David surely had dark times in his life. We know this by reading about him in the Bible. I feel that He knew God led him in places of restoration, of safety, and of peace so he clung to that hope that it would happen again. But I also feel that he wrote "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." for a reason. He had dark times. Isolated times. He knew he needed to cling to Christ and cling to the hope that is in Him. 

  

      Even if every day for the rest of my life was waking up sad, lonely, and dark, I would and will keep going! Because He will restore my soul, He will lead me besides still waters, He will be with me and is with me, and heaven is a place where there will be no darkness. I look forward to that! 

    If you are reading this and have dark days, sad days, keep going. You are needed! You are worth it! You are here for a reason! Please, reach out and seek help. Reach out to me! I will be here with you! We can make it together!